Dante's new job
by Tom Jenkins
Summary: After being fored, Dante decides that once again he must search for a new job against the odds. Luckily, he finds one easily, but, of course, it can't end well for everyone's favourite demon hunter.
1. Chapter 1

**_Dante's new Job._**

After defeating his brother, Vergil, and resealing the gate to the demon world, it was time for Dante to open his shop. He even had a name for it. Devil may cry. It had taken him a while to think of an appropriate name for the agency, and though even he admitted that the name wasn't catchy, to him, it was meaningful.

Dante sat in his leather chair, twiddling his thumbs behind the desk. Today was going to be a decisive day. He had been preparing all morning and the moment he had been waiting for was nearly upon him. This would decide whether his agency would be a success or not. The health inspector was coming. I f he didn't pass, his business would be shut down and he would have to find a new way of making money.

At that moment, the familiar bell rang as someone opened the oak door. From outside, a short, fat man in a grey suit entered with no hair and a beard that reached down to his stomach.

"Hello there." Dante said, greeting the man. "Are you the health inspector?"

"Yes, I am." Came his reply. The man's voice was gruff and deep. "And you've already failed. Goodbye." Dante stared at the man with his mouth hanging open and his eyes opened wide. Until finally he contested.

"But why? I spent all day cleaning. There's nothing wrong here." He explained, stretching out his hand and pointing at the gleaming pool table, the sparkling windows and his reflective floor.

"There isn't?" The health inspector said with a high level of sarcasm. "Allow me to show you a few things." He walked into the centre of the room and pointed at the wall. "What is that?"

Dante followed his finger to where it was aiming. On his wall was one of his favourite decorations. A demon impaled by various knifes, hanging like a rag doll.

"What's the matter with that?" Dante moaned. "It's not harming anyone."

"Maybe so. But please explain why there is pizza sitting around all over the room."

It was true. There were pizza boxes everywhere with half eaten slices inside them.

"I like pizza." Dante answered, almost crying.

"And on top of all that. You have smashed busses and buildings outside. I cannot pass you."

The health inspector picked up his briefcase and left the building, leaving Dante sat on his desk weeping in his hands. He would have to find another job.

Dante strolled down the street looking in the shop windows. Any job would do. Any at all. But his main intention at that moment wasn't to find a job. He wanted pizza, and fast. As he pushed open the pizza shop door, he noticed something. There was a sign in the windowpane. Dante leaned closer and tried his best to read what it said.

Help Wanted.

Help wanted? That must mean that there was a job available. As fast as he could, Dante ran inside and asked the man at the till about the sign.

"Is it true that I can get a job here?"

The teenage boy working there looked up at him from the pizza he was making. His face was almost the same as the food on the table before him. Dante stepped back in fear of one of the massive spots exploding over him.

"I dunno." The boy answered. "Ask the manager."

"Where can I find the manager?" Dante asked.

"I dunno. In the office or something." Was his answer.

Dante walked to the back of the shop and saw a door with a staff room sign on it. He entered immediately to find another man in a suit sitting on a sofa with a cigar in his mouth.

"What do you want?" The man shouted at Dante.

"I saw a help wanted sign outside." Dante mumbled. "I was wondering if the job was still available."

"Someone already took it. But I suppose another delivery boy wouldn't do no harm. Get out there and deliver something. Take a bike from the rack outside."

Dante smiled at the manager. It was a dream come true. A job in the pizza shop. What could be better? He left the office and made his way back to the boy that was making the pizzas, making sure he didn't get too close to the minefield face.

"Any deliveries?" Dante inquired.

"There is one. But the other new guy already took it. If you want, you can wait until we get another order from this Dante guy. He always phones us up about three times a day. And I always leave a little something special in his food." The boy said laughing.

Dante frowned. Something special? What could that mean? But at that time, it didn't matter. He drew the sword of his Father, Force edge, and drew his breath.

"I, Dante Sparda, swear that I will find the new pizza boy and make him give up the food to me, so that I may successfully deliver it."

"Great." The pizza boy answered. "You go get that pizza." He continued, clearly uninterested.

Dante ignited the moped that waited for him outside. The other delivery boy had left on a bicycle, so if he went to the address he was given, it should be easy to catch up. As he drove around, following directions, he saw a person on a bike in the distance. As he drew closer, his eyes widened. It couldn't be. Ahead of him he could see a man dressed in a long blue cloak cycling slowly with a pizza in his hand. Once he had closed the gap between himself and the delivery boy, he realised who it was. But…. Dante had killed him.

Just ahead of him was the new delivery boy, Vergil, on a bicycle. Clearly weary from pedalling so much.

"Get back here." Dante shouted. "That pizza is mine to deliver."

Vergil turned his head back around and gasped. His brother, that had beaten him before was behind him with the Force Edge drawn. Out of fear, Vergil began to pedal as fast as he could, trying to escape from Dante.

"I'll never let you have it. The shop asked me first. So I'm going to deliver this pizza on time."

"Not if I can help it." Dante replied, speeding up to fifty mph. "First you try and open hell, and now his? I can't allow you to get me fired on my first day."

"But it's my first day to."

"I don't care. I will deliver that food." Dante moved alongside Vergil and swung his sword towards his brother's neck. Vergil rapidly ducked under the swing and screeched to a halt.

"Stop!" He shouted. "Somebody's trying to cross the road."

Dante stopped at his brother's side. It was true. Someone _was_ trying to cross the road. Once again, he was surprised at what he saw. The huge creature, Beowulf was crossing over, but he didn't seem okay. On a leash, he had the even bigger dog, Cerberus, guiding him. Dante looked at both of them puzzled. Then he remembered. He had sliced Beowulf's only other eye out inside the Temen-ni-gru. So he must be using Cerberus as a guide dog. As he pondered those thoughts, the enormous creature before him suddenly turned to face them.

"I recognise that scent." Beowulf roared. The ground trembling as he spoke. "It is the foul smell of…. Pepperoni pizza. I shall rid this Earth of it's foul scent." He charged towards Vergil, it's arms and legs glowing with silver energy.

"No!" Vergil and Dante both said together, sticking out their swords. In a blind rage, Beowulf impaled himself on the ends of Yamato and Force edge by accident.

"This can't be. The sons of Sparda have returned... as pizza boys. Hahahahaha!" Even with two blades forced though his torso he laughed at the two grown men and their pizza. "This shall make a fine tale for the rest of us in the Demon world." He said, extending his shining wings of light and dragging himself off the twin blades piercing him. "Come Cerberus." He continued, taking the three-headed dog of ice by one of its necks and flying off to the rooftops.

"I really think that put things into perspective." Vergil said calmly. "It's just a pizza."

"I agree." Dante answered. "Why don't you just give it to me and let me deliver it?"

"Never! I was the one they asked first." Vergil got his feet ready to pedal. "If you want it, then come get it." He pedalled away as fast as he could, while Dante revved up his moped.

"Okay then. Let's play." Dante pulled back the throttle and sped off at the grand speed of fifty mph. Continuously trying to take the pizza from Vergil's hands, until they met another delay. From a small fashion shop, Lady, Lucia and Trish each stepped out into the street with dozens of bags full of designer clothes.

"Dante." They all called. "Come back. We could go shopping together."

Dante stopped at the pathway and shouted ahead at Vergil. "Wait a moment. I have something to do." He turned back to the three women, dismounting his scratched, dirty moped. "Like the wheels girls? Just got them today. Ain't she a beauty?"

Meanwhile, Vergil stood on the other side of the road alone, thinking to himself.

"_Why does he get all the attention? What´s the matter with me? Perhaps I shouldn't have cheated on Nevan so many times."_ But before he could come up with a conclusion, Dante had finished his conversation and was now near his bike.

"Not the pizza." Vergil screamed in a girly voice.

"Haha." Dante laughed. "The pizza is finally mine." He continued, speeding of into the distance. Vergil, now almost weeping, sat back down on the saddle of his bike and leaned on the handlebars. Suddenly, he heard some voices approaching him.

"Are you Dante's brother? We think that you're like… so cool."

Vergil turned around. The three girls were behind him.

"Yes, I am. Why don't you three go and follow him somewhere?"

"Why would we do that?" Lady inquired.

"Yeah, Dante is a jerk." Continued Lucia.

"And so is Capcom." Interrupted Trish.

"As I was saying." Lucia said. "They both are jerks. Every time Capcom makes a new game they make Dante go off with some other woman."

"And Dante just agrees." Lady said, ending the sentence. Then she noticed Vergil's face. "Are you crying? Did he do something to you?"

Vergil wiped the tears from his eyes and nodded sadly. He knew that he was going to be fired. But then, something cheered him up. The three girls each came over and hugged him. Then Trish spoke up.

"We love sensitive guys. Perhaps you would like to come back to our place."

"Yeah, that's a great idea." Smiled Lady.

Vergil stared at all three girls. He couldn't believe his luck. His heart rose once again and he felt happy.

"Let's go then ladies." Vergil smirked. "I hope you don't plan on doing to much though. I'm tired and I really need a bed to rest in."

"Oh dear." Sighed Lucia. "We were going back to my house, and I've only got one bed."

"That's no problem." Vergil smiled, cycling off next to the girls into the sunset.

Dante reached the address he had written on his hand previously. The flat he had reached was in the slums and had graffiti everywhere. Cautiously, Dante entered the building and took the lift to the flat he was looking for. He then knocked on the door and waited for it to open. Yet another surprise awaited him as the man inside answered him. The one that had ordered the pizza was a bald men dressed in black clothing with a large scar across the left hand side of his face.

"Arkham!" Dante said. "I thought you were dead."

"No, I crawled back here, and since then I've been living off pizza and beer." He explained, pointing out his stomach.

"You look eight months pregnant." Dante commented.

Arkham frowned at what he had just been told.

"Where is my pizza?"

"Here it is." Dante said, handing over the box.

Arkham opened the box and sniffed the air that came out before looking at the food in horror.

"This has anchovies on it. I'm allergic to anchovies. Go get another."

Dante opened his mouth to speak, but he knew that if he didn't please the customer he would be fired. So angrily, he left the building with the pizza in his hand and got back on his bike.

"Next time. I'll ram the pizza down his throat." He sulked, driving off out of the alleyway and back to the place that he had once loved.

_**The end.**_

Hope you liked it. This is my first fan fic, but please be brutally honest about the quality.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Dante**__** and**__** Le**__** pimp.**_

Dante drove slowly back to the pizza shop. His first ever delivery had ended in complete failure and he hadn't even been paid.

"Today couldn't have gone worse. What will The Manager say when I get back? Hmmmm... maybe I can find a way of keeping my job." Dante then looked inside his wallet. "A pizza only costs twenty, and I have twenty-five... I'm saved."

Dante continue driving until he reached the pizza shop. There before him he saw something that sent blood pumping through his veins, Arkham. The bald and bloated man had waddled all the way to the shop and had bought a pizza for himself, and a lager. His hairy, fat belly hanging out of his tight black shirt with a number of spots bulging out from beneath the fluff. As he took a swig from the bottle of beer, a large portion of it began to trickle down his neck and all over his shirt.

"Damn... I'll have to go get another." Arkham groaned, taking off his shirt in the middle of the street and shaking the liquid from his chest. Dante stared in horror as the mountain of bouncing whale blubber advanced towards him, about to flatten him into the ground.

"No!" Dante shouted, leaping out of the way and rolling into the road. "You're a danger to the planet Arkham. Go back to becoming the devil." Arkham, with a frown, turned around to face Dante.

"That offended me. Now you're going to pay." Arkham shouted, almost crying. From inside of one of his rolls, Arkham took out a CD player and placed it on the ground before pressing play. At first, Dante didn't recognize the tune... until the lyrics began.

"I'm, too sexy for my shirt,

Too sexy for my shirt,

Too sexy for my shirt,

"So sexy."

Dante gaped in shock at Arkham as he slowly removed his trousers and danced around a lamppost, singing along with the words.

"Oh my god!" Dante screamed in a girlish voice, running into the shop with a horrible image in his head. He had even taken off his underwear.

Dante walked up to the counter and called the attention of the teenager there. What he saw made him jump back in fear. It was pizza face again, and the volcanoes covering his face looked ready to erupt all over him.

"Did the delivery go well?" The boy asked with boredom.

"_Don't get too close." _Dante thought. "_Those things are gonna blow any minute now. They could explode all over me right this second."_

The devil hunter took a few steps back away from the counter and smiled nervously at the confused teenager.

"Fine... it was fine. He paid the full price and everything." Dante said nervously.

"Well, bring the money over here then." Dante opened his wallet and drew out the twenty note. But above anything, he didn't want to get anywhere near that boy.

"How about I throw it to you?"

"How about you get over here and give it to me?" The boy contested angrily.

"Okay." Dante continued. "I'm coming over." Slowly, he crept over, and as fast as he could, placed the money on the counter before jumping back. "There. Anymore deliveries?" The boy lowered one eyebrow at Dante before looking down at a small list.

"Yeah, one just came in. In the rich part of town this time. Here's the address, and the pizza." He placed both items on the counter and then walked off to prepare another meal. Dante picked them both up and went outside once again, looking left and right. To his left, Arkham was still dancing around the lamppost, women in their late eighties throwing pennies at him.

"Disgusting." Dante muttered, mounting his bike and igniting the motor. "I'll need to get him back for that."

Dante drove off into the distance and kept his eye out. After his last journey he didn't know what to expect.

Just as he though, someone showed up that he didn't want to. In the middle of a park, were two of his old "friends" running around aimlessly, little children surrounding them and jeering their actions.

"Leave them alone." Dante shouted, his sword drawn as he marched over to the troublesome kids. Seeing his blade, they all ran off in fear, with smirks on their faces.

"Get away from us." The two entities shouted, before running straight into one another and falling to the floor. "Once we find our heads again we'll get you all!" Dante looked at both of them and shook his head. Agni and Rudra had never been the smartest demons he had ever faced, but they weren't the most threatening or lethal either. So he felt a spot of sympathy for them.

"You two just ask for trouble don't you?"

"Rudra, listen!" Agni said. "I recognize that voice."

"Yes." Rudra answered. "It is the one that sealed our tongues and forced us to defeat our beloved masters after taking our heads." He continued.

"Yes, we must avenge them."

"Calm down guys." Dante sighed. "I came over to help you, now what is your problem?"

"You took our heads, that's the problem." Both of them shouted. "We can still through the eyes you took, but all that we can see is water and darkness. What have you done with us?"

The half demon man then noticed that their heads were indeed, gone. But one thing troubled him.

"How do you two actually speak without heads?"

"We have reserve mouths downstairs." Agni murmured whilst Rudra coughed and turned away. "But we do not like using them. Tell us where our heads are!"

Dante shut his eyes and thought. He was sure he had done something with those heads. But once his mission was over they had never shut up. What did he do with them?"

"Oh, right… those things." Dante smiled faintly, remembering what he had done. "I kind of… tried to flush them down the toilet."

"What?!" Agni screamed.

"How could you do that?" Rudra continued. "Our heads are too special to be stuck in a toilet pipe."

"I would help you." Dante explained, his head facing the ground. "But my shop is being destroyed, and your heads are still in there."

"This cannot be." Rudra said, his tone slowly angering. "For what you have done, you shall pay. Prepare to face our wrath once again!"

Dante chuckled to himself and drew Ebony and Ivory. Along with Force Edge that was strapped to his back, two blind idiots wouldn't stand a chance.

"Attack!" Agni ordered, charging forwards with his fists clenched.

"Yes, he shall not survive." Rudra continued. As both of them ran at Dante, he smirked and leaped into the air, before landing on Rudra's back and firing into the empty space where his head used to be. As the enormous beast began to thrash around, Dante drove him forwards, until Agni received a blow to the chest from his companion.

"Son of Sparda. What the hell do you think you're doing? How dare you hit a blind man!" Agni screamed in pain.

"It wasn't me. It was Rudra," Dante jeered, jumping from his current spot over to Agni, piercing him with Force Edge. As he did so, something smacked him in the head, ruining his hair.

"Get him!" He heard behind him before turning. It was the kids from before… with water bombs. As the wet projectiles flew at him, Dante drew his guns and began to shoot them in mid-air, constantly closing in on the children.

"Stupid kids! I'll tell your mummies if you keep this up."

"Oh we're so scared." One mocked, until Dante arrived and slapped them around the face.

"Who do you think you are? Taking on me. How could you be so stupid?" Dante said, frowning in the small boy's face. His anger then turned to surprise.

"Bring out the big guns." The child ordered. As soon as he said this, a girl behind him drew an incredibly large gattling gun.

"Oh crap!" Dante muttered, running as fast as he could back to his bike, bullets striking him in the back. "I'll get all of you for this." He said, his arm rose in the air as he drove as far away as he could.

"Nearly there." He sighed as he approached two large golden gates. He reached over and pressed the buzzer on the wall so that someone could let him in.

"Who is it?" Asked a strangely familiar female voice.

"It's the pizza boy. I have the food you ordered. Can I come in?"

"Oh, yes. Come on in. We're a bit busy right now, so you'll have to take it to our room. It's the second door on the left when you enter. Okay?"

"Okay." Was Dante's answer. He trudged along the stone driveway until he reached the large black front door. It had been left open. "I'm here." He called.

"Bring it in." Said another voice from behind a door. Dante walked over to it and pushed it open slightly, then dropping it in shock. In front of him were Lady, Lucia and Trish standing in black bikinis, surrounding someone in the center of the room on a large, king-sized bed.

"Vergil?" Dante asked, peering at the hidden character. Indeed, it was his brother. Dressed in a long purple jacket and with a large hat of the same colour. In his hand was a long golden staff, which matched his golden teeth and golden chains.

"Yeah, it's me." Vergil answered. Smirking at Dante. "I'm a pimp now. So leave me and my ho's with the pizza. We got some… things to do."

Dante's jaw dropped as he handed over the box. His own brother, a pimp? How could that be possible?

"What happened to your plan of obtaining dad's power?"

"I gave up on that." Vergil said, nodding his head to the faint noise of rap music in the back round. "Now, I got myself a new job. And you ain't ruinin' it like my pizza… occupation." Vergil continued, looking at the three girls around him. "See how I used that word. Not only is your pimp rich, but he's intelligent too. How do ya like that?"

Before anyone could answer, a loud noise rang through the mansion, causing Lady to jump up off the bed.

"That's the dancer I phoned for a while ago." She grinned. "I'll let him in." Lady grinned, leaning over to a speaker next to the bed. On the other end, Dante heard a strangely familiar voice.

"Are you the ones that phoned for a dancer?" The voice asked.

"Yeah, we are. Come on in." Trish beamed, shouting across from one side of the room.

Dante regained his senses and spoke up. Even if it was his brother, he still had to pay. Reaching into his pocket he took out a calculator and looked at it with a puzzled emotion.

"Does anyone know how to use one of these?" He mumbled, clearly embarrassed by the question.

"We only ordered one thing." Lucia pointed out, raising one eyebrow. "There's nothing to add up.

"Oh, right." Dante smiled weakly whilst scratching the back of his head. "Well it's fifteen…" His words were interrupted as the door creaked open. Dante turned around to see who had entered. "No!" He screamed. Before him was Arkham once again, fully naked apart from a pair of Speedos that barely covered up anything.

"Hello there Dante." He muttered, breathing for air every few seconds before turning to the others. "I had to walk here, do you mind if I catch my breath?"

"Nah." Vergil answered. "You're early. Take your time man."

The bloated figure of Arkham leaned his back against the door and began to inhale, and then exhale deeply. Blocking Dante's way out.

"Move it fatty." Dante ordered, pointing at the bed. "Go rest there."

"Again with the fatness." Arkham whimpered. "Anyway, I can't. I'm all out of energy, and I'm comfortable here." He continued slowly, taking Dante's sleeve and wiping his sweaty forehead.

"Oh my God!" Dante shuddered, pulling his arm away. "That's just plain horrible." After this, his face turned from disgust to anger. "Move now, or I'll have to make you."

"Go ahead and try, not even you could move me. The state I'm in."

Dante blew on his hands and rubbed them together, flexing the muscles in his arms and legs.

"Okay, here it goes." He muttered, charging at Arkham with his hands outstretched. The fat man merely chuckled quietly as the demonic son of Sparda flung himself straight into his stomach tires.

"That was a mistake." He said, shaking his head, as Dante's arms sank straight into his massive layers of flub.

"What is this?" Dante asked, horrified. "What have you done?" He continued as his limbs sank into the man's belly like quicksand. With all his strength, he pulled himself backwards. Until finally, he was thrown onto the floor, his hands freed. "And what might that be?" Dante asked out of curiosity as he looked at his hand. Clenched in his left fist was a book, covered in slime.

"You found it." Arkham said, jumping up and down in the air like a little girl, his face gleaming with happiness. "That's the weight loss book I always used to carry around with me."

"What da hell?" Vergil said angrily, rising from the bed. "I thought that was a book of the dark arts."

"Yes." Arkham smiled suspiciously, staring at the ground. "You would have thought so wouldn't you? Well… it wasn't. Everything we did in that tower was based on pure chance. So you see, you didn't have to sleep with Nevan to gain information. Or the Doppelganger in its female form…. Or Jester either.

"But you are Da Jester." Vergil shouted, pounding his staff on the ground. " I saw you transform.

"Well you see, there's a funny story about that…" Arkham explained, backing slowly out of the room. Seeing his opportunity, Dante did the same. Vergil, realizing what had happened, looked down at his waist area in horror.

"Jesus frikkin' Christ!" He exclaimed. "I'll get you for this." He bellowed running at Arkham. As fast as he could, Dante ran out of the mansion with Arkham following close behind. As they left the open gates, Vergil emerged from the front door and began to teleport after them, launching Judgment Cuts along the way.

"Run!" Arkham shouted, plodding along behind Dante. I saw him when he get's seriously angry, he'll get you too." Not listening, Dante carried on running down the straight road. Things were easy, as his path was a steep slope.

"Judgment Cut." Vergil shouted, striking Arkham's back with one of his magical spheres.

"Oh no." The fat man, screamed as he fell over through the air. Dante looked backwards in shock and began to run faster. Instead of falling, Arkham was now rolling down the hill behind him. As one of Arkham's many rolls flattened the ground, his radio was turned on. And for no apparent reason, the Indiana Jones theme tune started playing.

Out of pure desperation, Dante took out Cerberus and swung it at an overhanging branch, pulling himself into the air.

"I'm safe." He sighed, reaching for the branch. As his fingertips drew closer, Dante frowned and twisted his face in fear. He couldn't reach it. With a crash, he fell down to the ground and lay on the spot in pain. The ground was trembling, and as he looked around, he saw The Arkham boulder metres away from his feet.

"Get out of the way." The rumbling ball of flub shouted. But it was too late. Dante had been flattened and had been sucked into the ball like a giant snowball.

"Holy crap." Dante said, as the brief vision of the city passed his eyes. "It's rush hour. Those people are doomed."

Further upwards, Vergil smirked with pride and turned his back on them to head back to the mansion. They wouldn't survive that. He could get back to his pimping.

The Arkham/Dante boulder continued through the city. Completely destroying cars and absorbing innocent men and women into it's mesh. Finally, the Indiana Jones tune ended. With the Godzilla soundtrack taking it's place. All around them, people ran and drove in fear as the monstrosity smashed through buildings. All except for two men that stood next to each other.

"We love Katamari, we love Katamari." They chanted, raising their hands into the air and cheering, before being absorbed by the unstoppable ball.

"No!" Dante shouted a little later. "Not the pizza shop." His worst nightmare was about to come true. Ahead of them was the business of the manager that had hired him that morning. Not able to stop, the ball rolled over the building and flattened all inside it. Below them, Dante could see a puddle of yellow and red liquid. "Poor boy." Dante whimpered. "He got squashed. But at least he didn't explode on me." He smiled, his mood substantially better. Dante the looked downwards once again, his smile dropped, along with the rest of his pleasant emotions as the manager poked the ball and made it fall apart into a mountain of dizzy men and women. Arkham was in the center, rubbing his head.

"What just happened?"

Dante lay at The Manager's feet in a crumpled heap and smiled faintly. Unfortunately, The Manager's face was not the same.

"You, are fired!" He bellowed, before walking back to where his office would have been amongst the rubble and lighting a cigar.

"Oh." Dante sighed, jumping up and looking at the angered faces behind him. "Don't look at me." He said desperately, pointing at Arkham. "Blame him."

From behind their backs, the citizens each drew pitchforks and torches, turning towards Arkham.

"He he heh." Dante laughed smugly. "That should keep them off my back. But now.." He groaned as he looked around at the burning city. "… I need to find a new job."


	3. Chapter 3

Seeing as you all love my Sumo Arkham idea, and seeing as I have no motivation to come up with anything new, Arkham will be starring alongside Dante as the star here, also looking for a job.

I really couldn't think of a good ending, so you're stuck with what you get.

Dante sat on top of the human pile in misery. Having just destroyed half the city in a Katamari style sumo ball and then being fired, he was not in the best of moods. All around him, flattened and angry people were standing up and walking away from them, although there as still more than a hundred men and women piled up underneath them.

"What do you think we should do now?" Dante asked miserably, looking over at Arkham.

"Don't ask me." He grumbled. "All I did was the rolling. You're the brains here."

"Me? I'm the one that has to think?" Dante asked in shock. "You know that I'm a dumbass and that's all there is to it. Since I started, I've flushed Agni and Rudra down the toilet, drove my brother to becoming a pimp, cut Beowulf's other eye, squished a spotty faced teenager and rolled over the city. Why should I think?"

"Actually, I did the rolling." Arkham commented, before becoming the victim of an angry pedestrian throwing tomatoes at them. "Mmmmm…. tomatoes." Arkham grinned, dipping his finger into the sauce that had dripped into his belly button and then eating it. "Thank you." He shouted. Dante then looked at him and raised one eyebrow before turning back to look ahead.

"You know what we need Arkham? We need advice. Someone must know where two guys like us can get a job, no?" He turned to look at the fat man next to him so that he could hear his reply, but instead saw Arkham trying to fish out the tomato from his rolls. "Leave the tomato Arkham, we have bigger things on our hands."

"Bigger food than tomato?" Arkham asked, his interest suddenly piqued.

"No, bigger matters. We are going to get decent jobs." Dante explained. Hearing this, Arkham drifted back to his belly button. "You're useless Arkham." Dante muttered. "I'll have to go look myself." He said, standing up and making a Superman pose.

"You have no hope." Arkham mocked. "You already pointed out yourself what a failure you are. Just sit down and help me look for the tomato. You could do something with your life that way."

"Never! I'm going to get a job." He stated, still standing like Superman. "Whether you like it or not." In anger, he began to walk down the pile of human bodies, the Superman theme tune playing in the back round.

"Bring me back food." Arkham shouted, still unwilling to move. Dante, ignoring him, continued to walk down the hill until he reached the bottom.

"Give me a newspaper!" He ordered. From the pile, an arm stuck out with a paper in its hand. "Thank you." Dante said happily, placing a small coin into the arm that then disappeared. "Let's see here…. Hmmmm…." Dante thought, running his finger down the job list. "Yes, this one." He said, reading one of the advertisements.

Pest patroller needed.

Kill bugs, get paid.

"Perfect." Dante said, throwing his newspaper aside. I've found my true calling. If I could hunt demons, then this should be easy. With a spring in his step, he skipped away down the road to the shop where he would buy his equipment.

"Help me! Help me!" Screamed an old lady, leaning from her apartment balcony. "Can anyone save me?"

Dante sat in the back of his van on his new laptop. The company was giving him a bunch of free things to work with. It was the job of a lifetime.

"Damn Wikipedia. My hair is snow white, not pearl white. I can not believe I have to edit this crap." As he typed furiously, the wind carried the voice of the frightened grandma through the window of his van. "Wait, what's that." He said, leaning out to listen. "That sounds like trouble." He continued, turning the key in the ignition and chugging slowly away along with the Batman theme tune.

Half an hour later he arrived at the old woman's house and jumped out of the van. Along with his red coat and brown trousers, he now wore a large vacuum strapped to his back with a long hose jet. On his back, instead of Ebony and Ivory were two sprays crossed over each other. And on his head, was a round hat, with the pest patrol badge of a squished bug on the front. He looked up at the balcony, which was only twenty-nine floors away and glared.

"Let's kill some bug."

Dante entered the building and looked ahead in disappointment. There were only stairs to take him up. He would have to walk. As he ran upwards, he began to shout at the grandma, who's screams just wouldn't stop.

"Oh my God! It's getting close to me… Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"

"It's going to be okay, I'm coming." Dante panted.

"No, please, noooooo…."

"Never fear, Dante is here."

"Curse you bug!"

"Hold on, I'll save you."

Numerous stupid lines, and many, many stairs later, Dante reached her apartment to fond the lady outside her door in fear.

"What's the problem?" Dante asked, gasping for air.

"That evil little creature is in there. And it's just sitting in the corner with it's menacing eyes." She whimpered, before shutting her eyes and wobbling on here feet.

"Okay." Dante replied, nodding his head and charging for the door.

"Catch me you idiot." The old lady ordered as she fell to the ground and began to tumble down the twenty-nine flights of stairs.

"I won't let you down." Dante said heroically, as he kicked the door down and rolled inside. The room seemed quiet. The TV was off and a gentle breeze was blowing through the flowery curtains. Badly designed, floral sofas sat parallel to each other on the centre of the room with numerous glass tables around them. Dante scanned the room and crept stealthily along, ducking behind low objects and rolling around.

"Where are you?" Dante mumbled, constantly alert. Behind the curtains he heard some movement, and in a rapid motion, turned on the shadow he saw behind it. Taking out the hose jet he carried, he turned it onto full power and observed as it blew with incredible force towards whatever was there. For a brief instant, he saw a grey cat fly out of the window with a petrified face before hearing a loud thud and the sound of a car braking, and then crashing. "Damn it!" Dante continued whispering. "You got mw once you won't get me again." He said, knowing that the bug, wherever it was, could hear him.

"Ahem." Groaned an annoyed and disappointed voice from somewhere. Dante swerved around but saw nothing. "How can you not see me?" The voice asked angrily.

"You have hidden yourself well." Dante explained, always looking left and right, aiming his hose jet that was on standby. "But I will find you."

"I'm huge and I'm in the middle of the room." The voice continued. A large, rocky leg then reached over and tapped Dante on the shoulder.

"Oh my God!" Dante screamed in shock, turning around and facing the bug in the centre of the room. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"And I almost thought you were stupid." Phantom grumbled. "I've been waiting for you to see me for ages. You even blew a cat out of the window before you saw me."

"You were well disguised." Dante explained.

"I was standing right here, growling and staring at you." He said. "But then you came in and started rolling everywhere. I needed to get your attention somehow."

"Yeah, well. You scared me." Dante said, clutching at his chest.

"I did? Oh, well, I'm sorry." Phantom replied sympathetically, placing two of his legs around Dante's back. It was then, the large spider felt the vacuum Dante carried. "What is that?" He asked, before stumbling backwards and seeing Dante's cap. "Pest patrol? What does this mean Dante? Is it all over between us?"

"It's not what it looks like." Dante stuttered, trying to hide the hat.

"Then what is it?" Phantom asked, it's dozens of eyes watering. "What is it?"

"Okay I admit it. I'm with pest patrol now. I never wanted you to know. I didn't think this would effect our relationship." Dante explained as he broke down into tears.

"I can't live like this." Phantom shouted, smacking Dante with one of it's many legs and smashing it's way out of the room in tears. Dante, in pain, got up from being smacked into the wall and ran after the infernal spider, chasing it down the stairs.

"Damn kids, No respect for their elders." Muttered the old lady as she clambered back up the stairs. "Oh crappy munchkins!" She screamed as Phantom came running down in a state, completely trampling her and leaving her in a mangled heap on the floor. Trying to stand up, she was knocked back down again as Dante also came flying downwards.

"Come back Phantom. I never meant it to be this way." He called as his voice trailed away into the distance.

"I, shall, have, my , revenge." The old lady managed to say, before fainting and tumbling back down to the ground floor

As Dante stepped outside, he watched in horror as Phantom ripped up his van with it's claws.

"Stop it." He ordered, reaching for Ebony and Ivory, but only drawing his cans of bug killer. "These will have to do." He groaned. Dante then ripped the top off both of them with his teeth like grenades and threw them in slow motion at Phantom through the air.

"Nooooooo!" Phantom shouted as the two can bounced of it's armour (in slow motion) and exploded, covering the large spider in gas. "What are you doing?"

"I didn't want to." Dante cried, standing over the dying body of Phantom. "But I had no choice." He continued, kneeling in the blood of the dying spider.

"What happened here?" Said a voice from behind Dante.

"Arkham." The demon hunter said, standing up. "Is it you?" He turned around to see the bloated man behind him, stuffing a cheeseburger. "Here, I found you a job." Dante said, placing the hat on his head and giving him the equipment. "You can have the uniform too." He said, and gave him the clothes before walking off. Arkham stood with everything in his arms and stared in horror at Dante. He had taken of all his clothes and was walking away into the sunset.

"Dante…. There was no uniform…. He clothes are yours. You're naked……!"

**Now that you've read it, you can see how bad that ending was. This was mainly die to the fact that I started drinking when Dante entered the apartment building, and I write slow. By the end I could barely type so I finished fast. Thanks for reading anyway though, remember to review with any thoughts you have. (Good or bad)**


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